1 00:00:02,040 --> 00:00:05,400 (CAR RADIO PLAYS) be a cheerleader... 2 00:00:05,440 --> 00:00:07,360 One second. 3 00:00:07,400 --> 00:00:09,440 Get in the car. He's getting in the car. 4 00:00:09,480 --> 00:00:11,560 He's taking his frickin' time. 5 00:00:11,600 --> 00:00:13,440 Just one second. Yeah, mate. 6 00:00:14,600 --> 00:00:16,080 Here we go. This is progress. Look. 7 00:00:16,120 --> 00:00:18,640 This is the slowest I've ever seen anyone. 8 00:00:20,840 --> 00:00:24,000 Is he gonna thank me for that? Where's my wave? 9 00:00:24,040 --> 00:00:25,840 Yeah. And there it is. He's waving. 10 00:00:25,880 --> 00:00:27,960 No. That was a hand on a mirror. That's OK! 11 00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:30,360 (TENSE MUSIC) 12 00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:33,560 What kind of animal raised you that you don't give a wave? 13 00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:35,000 Do you know the danger you've put us in 14 00:00:35,040 --> 00:00:38,640 now that I have to aggressively overtake you just to flip you off? 15 00:00:38,680 --> 00:00:40,960 WAVE! I'm gonna get out of this car, 16 00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:43,320 rip your head off and shit down your lungs. 17 00:00:43,360 --> 00:00:44,960 Stick your hand in the air! 18 00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:49,440 Oh, no, no, you're all right, mate. You're right. 19 00:00:49,480 --> 00:00:50,880 Oh, he's lovely, isn't he? 20 00:00:56,200 --> 00:00:58,960 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 21 00:01:05,520 --> 00:01:08,000 Holy hell. Look at you! 22 00:01:09,040 --> 00:01:11,960 Oh, it's very lesbian central in here. 23 00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:15,840 Look at all the lesbians in this room. 24 00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:17,200 Holy shit! 25 00:01:17,240 --> 00:01:21,400 I mean, I know there's other people too, but you know. No, no, no. 26 00:01:21,440 --> 00:01:22,800 Welcome to the straight people. 27 00:01:22,840 --> 00:01:25,720 I'm an ally. Make some noise if you're heterosexual. 28 00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:27,000 (CHEERING) 29 00:01:27,040 --> 00:01:29,240 Yeah. Put your hand down. 30 00:01:29,280 --> 00:01:31,120 I'm an ally. 31 00:01:31,160 --> 00:01:34,480 I'm an ally. I am with you guys. Both my parents are straight, 32 00:01:34,520 --> 00:01:38,400 so I feel you in my heart, OK? 33 00:01:38,440 --> 00:01:41,000 Listen, it's tough for us too, OK? 34 00:01:41,040 --> 00:01:42,520 We have to do our own research. 35 00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:44,560 And I want you to know, when I came out of the closet, 36 00:01:44,600 --> 00:01:48,520 I was 26 years old. This was back when Jesus was a boy. 37 00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:52,240 And back then there were two. 38 00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:55,360 They were the gays, who were the guys. 39 00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:59,600 And then there were the lesbians, who were us. 40 00:01:59,640 --> 00:02:03,360 And we had no work for each other. We never talked. 41 00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:04,640 We kept to ourselves. 42 00:02:04,680 --> 00:02:08,640 And then one day the gays came up to us and they went, "Hey, lesbians." 43 00:02:08,680 --> 00:02:10,000 And we went, "WHAT?!" 44 00:02:12,880 --> 00:02:14,240 (SIGHS) 45 00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:16,160 And we took off our tool belts. 46 00:02:18,120 --> 00:02:19,760 And then the gays said to the lesbians, 47 00:02:19,800 --> 00:02:21,480 "Hey, lesbians, look at that." 48 00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:24,280 And we're like, "What is that?" 49 00:02:24,320 --> 00:02:25,320 And the gays went, 50 00:02:25,360 --> 00:02:27,120 "Those are bis." 51 00:02:27,160 --> 00:02:28,880 And we went, "Bi what? 52 00:02:28,920 --> 00:02:30,480 "Buy now, gay later?" 53 00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:33,520 And you know what we did? 54 00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:35,560 'Cause we didn't understand what they were. 55 00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:38,240 We didn't understand what bisexuality was. 56 00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:42,960 So we went over to them and go, "So...who do you guys do?" 57 00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:46,280 And they explained it to us, and we're like, 58 00:02:46,320 --> 00:02:49,280 "All right, come on, let's start an alphabet." 59 00:02:50,360 --> 00:02:53,000 This is a very soft trigger for people. 60 00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:55,920 People are like, "You know, I don't understand the alphabet. 61 00:02:55,960 --> 00:03:00,000 "You know, the alphabet mafia. Alphabet mafia. 62 00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:02,040 "You guys are taking the whole alphabet." 63 00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:04,680 I go, "Yeah, bitch, we're coming for the numbers next." 64 00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:07,000 Actually, I just found out there is a number in there now. 65 00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:09,960 There's 2. There's a number 2 in there. 66 00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:11,880 I'm as surprised as you are. 67 00:03:11,920 --> 00:03:16,840 Whenever I see, I go, "Holy shit. How many...? What?! 68 00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:19,360 "Why are all those letters there?" 69 00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:22,440 Like...I'm out of breath at the end of it, 70 00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:28,720 and I have to think about LGBTQIA ...2. 71 00:03:28,760 --> 00:03:30,240 (LAUGHTER) 72 00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:39,240 Does your husband never get around to fixing that crooked shelf? 73 00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:41,560 Is your house falling apart, 74 00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:43,880 because he never fixes what he says he'll fix? 75 00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:44,960 ALL: Yes. 76 00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:48,160 You need to hire a lez. 77 00:03:49,560 --> 00:03:51,320 That's me as an animation. 78 00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:54,160 Hi, I'm Leslie Behan, 79 00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:56,000 CEO of Hire-a-Lez, 80 00:03:56,040 --> 00:03:57,800 is the largest and fastest growing 81 00:03:57,840 --> 00:04:00,800 all-female home maintenance company in the world. 82 00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:01,880 We're also the only one. 83 00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:03,160 Let's face it. 84 00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:05,640 Your husband is terrible at DIY 85 00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:08,520 and he will get lost in your Bermuda Triangle. 86 00:04:08,560 --> 00:04:12,080 But not our highly trained lesbatarians. 87 00:04:12,120 --> 00:04:14,160 They're great at both of those things. 88 00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:17,760 Our services include, but are not limited to, 89 00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:20,680 hinge repair, minge repair, painting, installing smoke detectors, 90 00:04:20,720 --> 00:04:22,160 fingering, repairing drywall, 91 00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:23,920 fixing, baking, plumbing, hammering, 92 00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:27,600 and slow dance swaying to Constant Craving by KD Lang. 93 00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:29,600 But don't just take my word for it. 94 00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:32,640 Listen to all these satisfied customers. 95 00:04:32,680 --> 00:04:34,040 She was thorough. 96 00:04:34,080 --> 00:04:35,440 Very thorough. 97 00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:36,560 Oh, my God. 98 00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:38,760 Oh, my God. So thorough. 99 00:04:42,280 --> 00:04:44,040 Hire-a-Lesbian ruined my life. 100 00:04:46,680 --> 00:04:47,720 House looks great, though. 101 00:04:49,840 --> 00:04:53,680 Hire-a-Lez today. Satisfaction guaranteed. 102 00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:56,960 (KNOCKS) Honey! Can I come back in? 103 00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:58,600 Are you guys watching the cricket? 104 00:04:59,920 --> 00:05:01,920 What's the score? 105 00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:06,320 VOICEOVER: She was a regular woman, dealt a life-altering diagnosis. 106 00:05:06,360 --> 00:05:09,880 You've contracted early onset Karen. 107 00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:12,640 This is The Life of a Karen. 108 00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:13,840 Oh! 109 00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:18,040 Our Karen now finds herself here, the Karen clinic. 110 00:05:19,680 --> 00:05:21,880 This is perfect for you. Is it? 111 00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:24,680 Yeah. They've got Fox News running all day. 112 00:05:24,720 --> 00:05:27,840 It is freezing in here. Well, hello, ladies. 113 00:05:27,880 --> 00:05:31,080 Welcome to the Karen clinic. How can I help you today? 114 00:05:31,120 --> 00:05:34,440 I'd like you to explain why it's colder than a witch's tit in here. 115 00:05:34,480 --> 00:05:35,520 It's my auntie. 116 00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:38,120 She's been diagnosed with early onset Karen. 117 00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:41,160 I understand. We have a lot of ladies like her here. 118 00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:42,520 The doctor says it's terminal, 119 00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:44,680 and I really want to take care of her myself. 120 00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:46,320 It's just been really hard. 121 00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:48,360 You're doing a fantastic job. Well done. 122 00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:49,520 It's not easy. 123 00:05:49,560 --> 00:05:52,920 Hi, I'm Dr Madison Emerson Addison. 124 00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:55,280 What a horrible name. Poor bitch. 125 00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:57,160 How do you feel about a little look around? 126 00:05:58,440 --> 00:05:59,720 What we're finding is, 127 00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:02,680 these days more and more of our loved ones are becoming Karens. 128 00:06:02,720 --> 00:06:06,040 It's why we built this amazing state of the art facility. 129 00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:08,480 So these middle aged white women have somewhere to go 130 00:06:08,520 --> 00:06:14,040 to complain and argue and just be angry, free range. 131 00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:16,280 Hey! Why are you so loud? 132 00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:17,880 You're causing noise pollution. 133 00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:20,720 Sorry. There's this frightful woman. I'm gonna phone the council. 134 00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:21,960 This is nonsense. 135 00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:25,800 Yeah, I've got someone here with a terrible haircut and a moose knuckle. 136 00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:28,560 I'm filming you. I'm watching you. This is going on the internet. 137 00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:31,280 I have to get off the phone. I need to record something. 138 00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:34,120 Don't worry about it. We have expert staff 139 00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:36,760 that intercept every call on the property. 140 00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:40,040 This is our telephone interception reception, 141 00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:41,480 where we take all of our calls. 142 00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:44,320 These guys will role play any complaint line, 143 00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:48,120 from local council to police to the shopping centre. 144 00:06:48,160 --> 00:06:50,720 Hello. This is your...husband speaking. 145 00:06:52,080 --> 00:06:54,560 I'm an arsehole? Tell me more. 146 00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:55,960 This is incredible. 147 00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:57,080 What do you think? 148 00:06:57,120 --> 00:07:00,080 Listen, I found your secret stash of Kit-Kats in the garage, 149 00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:01,520 you filthy truffle pig. 150 00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:03,200 Yes, I am a truffle pig. 151 00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:05,000 I'm putting you back on the 5-2 diet. 152 00:07:05,040 --> 00:07:06,400 I know what's good for your health. 153 00:07:06,440 --> 00:07:08,080 I'll get a salad next time. 154 00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:09,960 You're just like your father. 155 00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:12,080 She is doing really well. 156 00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:18,120 What I'm most proud of is our rehabilitation program. 157 00:07:18,160 --> 00:07:20,040 All right, everybody ready? 158 00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:25,880 A young person on a bike... on the grass. 159 00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:29,160 How does this make you feel? I'm...fine. 160 00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:36,160 A Jeep parking too close to your Rav4. 161 00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:40,640 No. N-no big...deal. 162 00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:45,600 Your niece turning up to a Christmas lunch 163 00:07:45,640 --> 00:07:47,680 with her chuzzies hanging out. 164 00:07:47,720 --> 00:07:49,200 Oh. 165 00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:51,800 SLUT! Yes. 166 00:07:51,840 --> 00:07:53,240 It's a family event. Put some clothes on. 167 00:07:53,280 --> 00:07:54,840 We can see what you had for breakfast! 168 00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:56,080 That is inappropriate. 169 00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:57,880 OK. That is inappropriate. 170 00:07:57,920 --> 00:08:00,080 Tits. No-one else is dressed like that. 171 00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:02,440 It's Christmas. Calm. 172 00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:03,680 You can see her breasts... 173 00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:05,280 That is an appropriate. Warning. 174 00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:07,240 Whore! 175 00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:08,680 Not again! It's inappropriate. 176 00:08:08,720 --> 00:08:10,240 No, no, no! 177 00:08:10,280 --> 00:08:12,880 In with the breath... 178 00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:16,040 ..out with needing to see the manager. 179 00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:20,600 (GENTLE MUSIC) 180 00:08:20,640 --> 00:08:22,720 I really don't know if I'm ready to let her go. 181 00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:24,200 Like, what if she hates it here? 182 00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:26,280 Well, then she'll complain. 183 00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:28,520 That should really cheer her up. 184 00:08:28,560 --> 00:08:31,720 Look, she's already settling in. 185 00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:34,080 Thank you, doctor. 186 00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:35,160 Of course. 187 00:08:36,160 --> 00:08:39,160 (APPLAUSE) 188 00:08:40,760 --> 00:08:44,440 Do you know what I find fascinating? The female form. 189 00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:47,960 The woman's body is just such a mysterious place, isn't it? 190 00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:50,760 And I think when you talk to men, it just really brings home 191 00:08:50,800 --> 00:08:53,840 how little you fucking know about stuff. 192 00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:57,040 I talk to my brother and some of my male friends - 193 00:08:57,080 --> 00:08:58,880 very little, but I do. 194 00:08:58,920 --> 00:09:01,800 And I say to them, "What do you know about the female form?" 195 00:09:01,840 --> 00:09:04,280 And they go, "It can grow a baby. 196 00:09:04,320 --> 00:09:07,600 "And it gets very aggressive 197 00:09:07,640 --> 00:09:10,480 "when it gets its period." 198 00:09:10,520 --> 00:09:13,800 Well, I've got news for you boys. Wait till it stops. 199 00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:19,440 You might get five minutes a day of clarity, 200 00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:22,680 and the rest of the time is "fuck you" time. 201 00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:26,680 OK, but at least... at least science is on board, 202 00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:29,760 and they've provided us with HRT patches. 203 00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:32,680 Are you familiar with HRT patches? Yes. 204 00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:35,000 So you get this little patch and it's got oestrogen. 205 00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:37,560 You put it on you, and then when someone comes up to you 206 00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:39,480 and they say some unnecessary shit, 207 00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:41,800 or they look at you or, you know, 208 00:09:41,840 --> 00:09:45,080 they breathe like... (BREATHES HEAVILY) 209 00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:47,440 And then that patch goes, "Oh, no, she needs oestrogen! 210 00:09:47,480 --> 00:09:48,520 "Give it to her now!" 211 00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:51,160 Sometimes it's not enough 212 00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:53,000 and you have to rip it off and chew it a bit. 213 00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:58,480 But then we had the nightmare 214 00:09:58,520 --> 00:10:02,000 where globally there was a HRT shortage last year 215 00:10:02,040 --> 00:10:03,920 where we could not get the patches. 216 00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:06,240 Only women my age and up 217 00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:09,760 knew how many times a day your life was in danger. 218 00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:13,800 I go to my doctor, I go, "Do we have patches yet? 219 00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:14,880 "Is it back?" 220 00:10:16,320 --> 00:10:19,160 And she goes, "No, but I do have Viagra." 221 00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:25,640 Wouldn't you take Viagra if Viagra couldn't tell the difference 222 00:10:25,680 --> 00:10:29,000 between a penis and a breast? Wouldn't you? 223 00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:31,280 If you go, "You know what? I'm going out on Saturday. 224 00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:32,560 "I don't want to wear a bra." 225 00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:38,320 And then you pop two Viagras and both your tits just...poof! 226 00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:42,080 Yeah. Of course, once you're over the age of 50, 227 00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:44,640 you walk into a room like you're in a zombie film. 228 00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:53,320 (POLICE RADIO CHATTER) 229 00:10:57,800 --> 00:10:59,000 Morning, detective. 230 00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:02,760 So, I hear you've got yourself a new partner. 231 00:11:02,800 --> 00:11:04,440 Yeah, some hot shot from the city. 232 00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:06,200 Detective Biggs or something. 233 00:11:06,240 --> 00:11:08,120 THE Detective Biggs? 234 00:11:08,160 --> 00:11:10,760 Oh, she brought down the Mendez cartel. 235 00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:14,000 They say she's brilliant but unconventional. 236 00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:15,920 Much like this case. That's the truth. 237 00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:17,800 Move, nut sack! Shit. Sorry. 238 00:11:17,840 --> 00:11:19,680 You must be Detective Biggs. 239 00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:21,000 And you must be in my way. 240 00:11:26,760 --> 00:11:28,520 Get new batteries for my neck fan. 241 00:11:28,560 --> 00:11:30,760 I'm melting over here. You're sweating. 242 00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:32,640 It's like 3 degrees Celsius. 243 00:11:32,680 --> 00:11:34,480 Yeah, it's a scorcher today. 244 00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:36,440 Deceased is a male. Thank Christ. 245 00:11:36,480 --> 00:11:39,800 32 years old. Time of death, 11:30pm last night. 246 00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:41,920 Looks to be death by a sharp object. 247 00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:42,960 Probably that axe. 248 00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:49,480 Well, well, well, the only thing sharper than this axe is you, 249 00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:50,720 Detective Obvious. 250 00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:52,920 Must've been top of your class at police college, eh? 251 00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:57,360 Hm. Washing's folded. That's weird. 252 00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:00,280 Typical. 253 00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:02,240 At this stage, motive remains unclear. 254 00:12:02,280 --> 00:12:04,240 Is it? 255 00:12:04,280 --> 00:12:06,920 You got a theory? Yeah, I have one or two. 256 00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:10,440 Maybe the victim was really fucking annoying 257 00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:13,760 and just kept droning on and on and on. 258 00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:16,080 It's hardly a motive for murder. Oh, it is. 259 00:12:16,120 --> 00:12:17,640 It just doesn't make any sense. 260 00:12:17,680 --> 00:12:19,200 Look, I know it must be hard to multitask, 261 00:12:19,240 --> 00:12:21,800 what with breathing, blinking and keeping your mouth shut, 262 00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:24,440 but there was clearly a struggle, and with another man. 263 00:12:24,480 --> 00:12:26,440 You can't know that. There's no DNA evidence. 264 00:12:26,480 --> 00:12:28,680 Oh, there's DNA evidence. Look at this. 265 00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:31,360 A whole pile of washing, folded but not packed away. 266 00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:34,440 Only a man would get this deep into a task and not complete. 267 00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:36,800 The towel on the door. This is not where it goes. 268 00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:38,480 It's supposed to be in the bathroom. 269 00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:40,000 Only a man would hang it here and go, 270 00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:41,240 "This is helpful." 271 00:12:41,280 --> 00:12:43,200 My God. 272 00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:44,240 You smell that? 273 00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:49,000 Oh, yeah. Fresh skid marks, just as I suspected. 274 00:12:49,040 --> 00:12:51,240 Someone's had a poop and didn't use the brush. 275 00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:53,920 And then they just put the fan on and didn't spray. 276 00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:56,320 You need to spray! If you don't spray, 277 00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:59,800 you can literally taste the shit in this bathroom. Bleh! 278 00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:01,800 Classic male behaviour. 279 00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:03,080 Wow. Stop breathing. 280 00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:05,800 Can you hear that? (HEAVY BREATHING) 281 00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:07,280 Someone's breathing like a foghorn. 282 00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:08,880 It's getting on my tits so bad. 283 00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:10,360 (HEAVY BREATHING) 284 00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:12,440 The killer's still here. They can't be. 285 00:13:12,480 --> 00:13:14,560 We searched the whole house. There's no-one here. 286 00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:16,320 Yeah. 287 00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:18,120 (HEAVY BREATHING) 288 00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:23,080 There he is. Come and get him, boys. 289 00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:24,200 Let me guess. 290 00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:25,800 You had a bit of a man look. 291 00:13:28,640 --> 00:13:32,320 That was beautiful to watch. I bet you like to watch. 292 00:13:32,360 --> 00:13:35,240 Maybe. Wanna go for a drink sometime? 293 00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:36,840 Me and you? Yeah. 294 00:13:36,880 --> 00:13:38,240 Uh, no, thanks. 295 00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:42,240 As soon as you asked me, my vagina just went, "Hhh..." 296 00:13:47,640 --> 00:13:48,880 My God, she's good. 297 00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:54,200 (FUNKY MUSIC) 298 00:13:54,240 --> 00:13:56,160 (SINGS) 299 00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:59,360 Hello, everyone, and welcome back to Optimise Your Life. 300 00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:01,760 Now, last episode, I was lucky enough to interview 301 00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:05,040 the author of The Let Them Theory. Incredible interview. 302 00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:06,480 Check it out if you haven't already. 303 00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:10,960 But that book has already sparked a new wave of self-help books, 304 00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:14,000 and my next guest is the latest to jump on that craze. 305 00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:16,600 Ur-zy-la Carlson. Am I saying that right? Carlson? 306 00:14:16,640 --> 00:14:17,960 Yeah. Welcome to the show. 307 00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:19,880 Thank you so much for sharing space with me 308 00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:22,120 and giving us some of your wisdom. 309 00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:24,560 Can I just say... Sorry. 310 00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:27,080 ..that I think self-help books are bullshit? 311 00:14:27,120 --> 00:14:28,720 Sorry. You can just sit back from the mic. 312 00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:30,720 You can just sit naturally like that and it picks it up. 313 00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:34,840 So your book was inspired by The Let Them Theory, wasn't it? 314 00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:38,440 If by 'inspired' you mean 'hated every moment of it', yeah. 315 00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:41,800 Wow. OK. Can you speak to that? 316 00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:44,800 I'm saying The Let Them Theory 317 00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:47,600 is putting a bitch back by about 90 years, 318 00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:50,280 because we've been training these junior bitches up, 319 00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:53,320 saying, "Hey, stand up for yourself." Mmm. 320 00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:56,840 Now this book goes, "No. Someone's mean to you. Let them." 321 00:14:56,880 --> 00:14:59,000 "Your kids are out of control. Let them." 322 00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:00,960 "At work, they're being suck-arses. 323 00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:02,920 "Let them, let them, let them, let them." 324 00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:05,640 I'm not about that life. Wow. Fascinating. 325 00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:07,360 Fascinating. Now, tell us about your book. 326 00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:08,440 What is it called? 327 00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:10,240 Uh, my book is called 328 00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:12,760 Headbutt A Motherfucker In The Mouth. 329 00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:15,440 Yeah. OK. There is an evocative title, isn't it? 330 00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:18,240 And 'let' is not in there. No, it's not. Wow. 331 00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:20,800 Can I have a little hold of that? Yeah. 332 00:15:20,840 --> 00:15:22,440 There she is. 333 00:15:22,480 --> 00:15:25,080 Break down the theory for us. How does it work? 334 00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:27,160 Well, it's quite simple. You're out, 335 00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:30,200 you identify a mofo in the wild, 336 00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,400 and you headbutt them right in their stupid mouth. 337 00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:33,960 So give me some examples, then, 338 00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:38,240 of how I could implement the HAMFITM theory 339 00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:39,600 in my day to day life. 340 00:15:39,640 --> 00:15:41,000 You're in a coffee shop. Mm. 341 00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:43,400 The person in front of you takes ages to order. 342 00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:45,120 Hate it. OK. There's a queue behind. Right? 343 00:15:45,160 --> 00:15:48,480 So now you've identified them as a mofo. 344 00:15:48,520 --> 00:15:50,000 Just pull your head right back 345 00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:51,960 and you headbutt them straight in their mouth. 346 00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:54,440 Wow. You know, it's provocative, 347 00:15:54,480 --> 00:15:56,000 but yet very simple. 348 00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:58,640 This must have taken you quite a long time to write. 349 00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:01,800 Yeah, a better part of three hours. Three hours? A day? 350 00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:03,640 No, no, three hours. 351 00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:07,480 I mean, the back of it, there's 182 pages of photos... 352 00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:09,320 Oh, so there is. ..of all the motherfuckers 353 00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:11,720 that I've headbutted in the mouth. 354 00:16:11,760 --> 00:16:13,360 Can we break down this moment here? 355 00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:16,360 Oh, that's Crystal. That's my neighbour Crystal and her dog Otto. 356 00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:18,200 Oh. I had to headbutt her in the mouth 357 00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:21,360 because she kept putting shitty nappies in my bin. 358 00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:23,520 And I think the thing that made me so angry 359 00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:25,320 is she doesn't have a kid. 360 00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:28,040 Now, Ur-zy-la, I obviously didn't want to have to bring this up, 361 00:16:28,080 --> 00:16:29,840 but you will be aware, obviously, 362 00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:33,480 that the London-based writer Harriet Twipple has made claims 363 00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:36,520 that you have stolen her idea from her book. 364 00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:39,600 Uh, Flick A Bitch On The Tits. 365 00:16:39,640 --> 00:16:41,200 Do you want to respond to that? 366 00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:43,440 No, I don't, because I clearly didn't. 367 00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:46,600 One is about flicking tits, so it's not the same. 368 00:16:46,640 --> 00:16:48,800 OK, so you deny that you were inspired? 369 00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:51,600 You and Harriet can eat my arsehole. 370 00:16:51,640 --> 00:16:53,160 Well, I'm just starting to feel - ah! - 371 00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:55,560 a lot of aggression coming my way, so I'm just gonna wrap us up. 372 00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:57,920 This has been another fascinating episode of 373 00:16:57,960 --> 00:16:59,960 (SINGS) 374 00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:01,960 Can I just have my book back? You can have your book. 375 00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:03,640 Oh, God! 376 00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:04,840 (SLAPS) (SCREAMS) 377 00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:08,640 (GASPS) 378 00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:10,800 379 00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:12,000 (APPLAUSE) 380 00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:13,880 Um, I don't know how to tell you guys this, 381 00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:16,200 but I'm single now. I know. 382 00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:17,800 (SCATTERED CHEERS) I know, I know. 383 00:17:17,840 --> 00:17:21,200 I know. Some of you would have been following me for a while and go, 384 00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:23,800 (WHISPERS) "I thought she was married." 385 00:17:23,840 --> 00:17:27,720 (WHISPERS) I was, but I found a way out. 386 00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:29,760 (LAUGHTER) 387 00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:32,680 Turns out it's not a hostage situation. 388 00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:33,880 You can leave. 389 00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:37,520 It costs slightly more than the wedding, 390 00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:40,720 but fuck, is it worth it. But you know what? 391 00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:43,520 'Cause we're lesbians, so we're still best friends, right? 392 00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:45,560 We actually still lived together for a few years, 393 00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:48,400 and then we finally got divorced, and I did re-partner, 394 00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:53,480 but I had to break up with her. Because you know what? 395 00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:57,000 She's one of those people who like to shower together. 396 00:17:57,040 --> 00:17:59,320 And I don't like that. 397 00:17:59,360 --> 00:18:02,440 I don't like that at all. I tell you what, 398 00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:04,440 apart from the fact that you don't wash your arsehole 399 00:18:04,480 --> 00:18:07,600 the way you're supposed to when you're in the shower with someone. 400 00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:09,440 Well, you don't. You're in there with someone. 401 00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:11,680 You just take half a squirt of shower... That's it. 402 00:18:11,720 --> 00:18:14,000 And that's it. When you're in there by yourself... 403 00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:22,480 You got to wash that thing properly. Goes through a lot of shit. 404 00:18:24,360 --> 00:18:26,360 But also, I didn't want to be with her anymore 405 00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:27,640 because of the shower thing, 406 00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:29,720 'cause I've got a little corner shower. 407 00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:32,040 You know, one of those little triangular ones 408 00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:33,800 with the curved doors that when you open it, 409 00:18:33,840 --> 00:18:35,520 it only opens that wide. 410 00:18:35,560 --> 00:18:39,560 I need a run-up and a prayer to get into that shower in the first place. 411 00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:42,280 And it's got a dome on it to keep the moisture in. 412 00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:43,800 'Cause if you don't, I live in Auckland, 413 00:18:43,840 --> 00:18:46,280 you can hear your clothes moulding in the cupboard. 414 00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:47,360 So I'm like, no. 415 00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:50,960 And I was there the day the guy put it in. 416 00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:55,400 It said, "Shower for one person." So we're already breaking the rules 417 00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:59,240 with the two of us being in there. And it wouldn't be so bad, 418 00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:01,400 but she's one of those annoying adults 419 00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:02,680 who like to wash her feet, 420 00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:04,320 and you don't need to wash your feet. 421 00:19:05,440 --> 00:19:08,600 You're an adult. What, are you running barefoot through the paddock? 422 00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:11,400 You're fine. Just squirt a bit of shower gel on the one foot 423 00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:14,360 and the other foot can do that and that. 424 00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:17,240 But no, she's up there lathering up a face cloth. 425 00:19:17,280 --> 00:19:19,200 "Really? So how was your day?" 426 00:19:20,320 --> 00:19:22,520 "Oh, so you enjoyed that?" 427 00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:25,200 Guess what's happening with me while she's doing that? 428 00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:30,680 I'm plastered against that curved door. 429 00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:33,840 And because it's curved, the one tit is up here 430 00:19:33,880 --> 00:19:35,920 and the other tit is down here, 431 00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:39,240 and my possum is trying to escape through the crack in the door. 432 00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:43,640 You know what's my biggest worry? 'Cause I have children, 433 00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:47,680 so you know one of them's gonna come in and ask me something stupid, 434 00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:49,960 like, "Do bunnies have knees?" 435 00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:51,520 and then they see me and they... 436 00:19:51,560 --> 00:19:53,080 (SCREAMS) 437 00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:56,200 WOMAN: (ON PHONE) I can't believe you're 49. 438 00:19:56,240 --> 00:19:57,280 How was your birthday? 439 00:19:57,320 --> 00:20:00,520 No, I told you, I had the best birthday ever. 440 00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:01,920 Any cheeky pressies? 441 00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:04,400 The best. I got the best pressies. 442 00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:08,480 And then I got this invite to what I assume is an orgy - 443 00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:09,960 I can't really put my finger on it - 444 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:12,960 in a church or something? Oh, you saucy minx. 445 00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:17,280 Tell you what, they say 49, I say forty-fine. 446 00:20:17,320 --> 00:20:21,920 We are here today to mourn the loss of Urzila Carlson's cougar years. 447 00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:25,640 What the hell? This looks like a terrible orgy. 448 00:20:25,680 --> 00:20:26,800 I've been coerced. 449 00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:29,080 Please. 450 00:20:29,120 --> 00:20:31,560 Like so many horny women before her, 451 00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:34,520 Urzila became a cougar on her 40th birthday, 452 00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:37,560 when she entered her sexual prime. 453 00:20:37,600 --> 00:20:41,920 But today, on her 49th birthday, that cougar is officially deceased, 454 00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:45,240 and she's now just some invisible middle aged lady 455 00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:47,600 taking up space in the post office queue. 456 00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:49,000 (SOBS) 457 00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:51,440 Let's hear from some loved ones. 458 00:20:51,480 --> 00:20:52,920 (FUNERAL MUSIC) 459 00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:56,560 Hi, I'm Jill. I hooked up with Urzila last year. 460 00:20:56,600 --> 00:20:59,200 I'm really glad I got in just in time, 461 00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:02,200 right before she passed over to the other side... 462 00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:04,200 ..of middle age. 463 00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:07,240 And I should have seen the signs, because right after we did it... 464 00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:11,440 ..she offered me a boiled sweet. I'm sorry, I can't. 465 00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:13,120 'Cause they are soothing on your throat. 466 00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:16,840 Hey, I don't think we need to listen to anyone else. 467 00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:19,240 I've always found Urzila very sexy. 468 00:21:19,280 --> 00:21:20,960 OK, let's hear this one out. 469 00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:23,560 I'd see her walking down the street sometimes, 470 00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:28,640 and as much as I hate to see her go, I love to watch her leave. 471 00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:31,240 You know what I mean? Yeah. 472 00:21:31,280 --> 00:21:34,120 But now she's a 49-year-old crone. 473 00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:35,720 Now when I see her walking down the street, 474 00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:38,520 I just worry she's gonna have a fall. 475 00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:41,000 I'm not gonna have a fall. I'm still spry as hell. 476 00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:42,680 (CRUNCH!) Ah! 477 00:21:44,040 --> 00:21:46,960 Oh, I mean, fuck you, but thank you. 478 00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:50,640 Join us now as we farewell Urzila's sexy underwear. 479 00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:53,160 (SOMBRE MUSIC) 480 00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:54,880 Hey, that one actually still fits. 481 00:21:56,160 --> 00:21:59,480 My favourite nipple rings. My mum left me those in her will. 482 00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:01,160 Now the ceremonial transition 483 00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:03,960 to more age-appropriate undergarments. 484 00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:07,000 In nomine patris, lingerie, sanctus. 485 00:22:07,040 --> 00:22:10,920 That looks like a parachute. Why do they already smell like pot pourri? 486 00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:16,160 Hey, guys! 49, but I'm still hot! 487 00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:18,160 Hot flushes don't count. 488 00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:20,480 I'm a swinger. Yeah, a mood swinger. 489 00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:22,600 No, I'm still adventurous. 490 00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:24,760 Like eating dinner after 5pm? 491 00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:26,640 Hey, zip your slit. 492 00:22:26,680 --> 00:22:29,640 All I'm saying is, I'm still a cougar, and I'll prove it. 493 00:22:29,680 --> 00:22:32,800 I will shag any one of you right now, right here. 494 00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:34,840 Who wants some of it? Come on. Here. 495 00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:37,280 How about you? Eh? (GROWLS) 496 00:22:37,320 --> 00:22:40,920 How about you, Father? You want it? It must be lonely in that monastery. 497 00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:44,160 It's so sad when they just won't let go. 498 00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:46,240 Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, 499 00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:48,840 perky boobs to saggy bust. 500 00:22:48,880 --> 00:22:50,600 ALL: We will remember her. 501 00:22:50,640 --> 00:22:53,680 OK, so now that I turned 49, none of you want to do me anymore? 502 00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:58,520 Oh, no. No, honey. That's just the end of your cougar years. 503 00:22:58,560 --> 00:23:01,720 You've got a much more exciting era ahead of you. 504 00:23:01,760 --> 00:23:06,000 What's that? Welcome, Urzila Carlson, to your... 505 00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:07,920 ..GILF era. 506 00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:09,640 GILF, eh? Mm-hm. 507 00:23:09,680 --> 00:23:11,760 And who are these? (ETHEREAL MUSIC) 508 00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:14,000 (WHISPERS) Granny chasers. 509 00:23:14,040 --> 00:23:16,320 I can work with that. Ladies. (APPLAUSE) 510 00:23:17,560 --> 00:23:18,600 (PURRS) 511 00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:22,680 Anyway, since we've started filming this, 512 00:23:22,720 --> 00:23:26,400 I just got some word that the LGBTQIA , 513 00:23:26,440 --> 00:23:29,920 we've added three letters in this 27 minutes 514 00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:32,120 and an exclamation mark. 515 00:23:32,160 --> 00:23:34,320 And the exclamation mark is just for people 516 00:23:34,360 --> 00:23:36,240 who are sick of everyone's shit. 517 00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:38,360 So if you identify as an exclamation mark... 518 00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:39,440 There we go. 519 00:23:39,480 --> 00:23:41,720 We've got a brand new member in the front here. 520 00:23:41,760 --> 00:23:44,360 We'll add you to the email group. Thank you. 521 00:23:44,400 --> 00:23:46,000 You have been amazing. Goodnight! 522 00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:47,880 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 523 00:23:48,880 --> 00:23:51,400 Honestly, you knew we were going to use your car, 524 00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:53,320 and this is what you leave in it? 525 00:23:53,360 --> 00:23:55,160 Imagine what you took out. 526 00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:56,280 Common. 527 00:23:56,320 --> 00:23:57,480 How dare you? 528 00:23:57,520 --> 00:24:00,600 Hi, ladies. Welcome to the Karen... Ohh! (BLEEP) 529 00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:03,160 Have we started yet? MAN: Oh, yeah. Sorry. 530 00:24:03,200 --> 00:24:06,840 I was like, oh, my God! I'm like, "Why is everyone looking at us?" 531 00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:08,600 I bet you like to watch. 532 00:24:08,640 --> 00:24:09,640 Now give me that. 533 00:24:09,680 --> 00:24:13,000 My mouth's drier than a dead dingo's donger. (LAUGHS) 534 00:24:13,040 --> 00:24:15,520 I knew I couldn't do it. I tried. 535 00:24:15,560 --> 00:24:18,800 Hello, everyone, and welcome back to Optimise... (LAUGHS) 536 00:24:18,840 --> 00:24:20,240 I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. 537 00:24:20,280 --> 00:24:21,280 Please do it! 538 00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:22,560 Optimise Your... 539 00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:24,120 Three, two... 540 00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:25,720 541 00:24:28,120 --> 00:24:29,720 It's not me, it's Urzila. 542 00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:30,960 Break that moment down for me, 543 00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:34,200 The moment that you saw Crystal putting these nappies into your bin. 544 00:24:34,240 --> 00:24:37,160 I think the thing that made me so angry about Crystal is 545 00:24:37,200 --> 00:24:40,200 I know she doesn't have a baby. Where's the nappies coming from? 546 00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:44,000 Captions by Red Bee Media 547 00:24:44,040 --> 00:24:46,000 Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation